Robin Hood SGC Style!
by Sarah74656
Summary: It's the classic fairytale of Robin Hood, with a little of a Stargate twist... Now Complete!
1. Robin Hood and his Merry Men

_Author's Note: This is not the first, nor I think the last, of my fairytale parodies. There are others, such as Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty etc, which will all be available on here eventually, I promise. This is my newest venture. Please R&R if you enjoy it!_

Once upon an indeterminate time in Ye Merry Olde England lived a hero by the name of Robin Hood.  
"Sir Robin, if you don't mind."  
Right. Except that Sir Robin of Loxley sort of decided to forgoe his title when he became an outlaw.  
"Oh yes."  
Thank you. Anyway, Robin Hood was in the slightly questionable business of robbing the rich to feed the poor.  
"Excuse me."  
What now?  
"Well, you're not allowed to call us 'poor'. It's not politically correct."  
Oh really? Well, pray tell, what am I supposed to call you?  
"Monetarily challenged."  
Monetarily challened. Right. So Robin was in the business of robbing-  
"Borrowing from."  
What, you intend to give it back?  
"Think of it as a long term loan."  
Right. So Robin borrowed money on an extremely long term basis from the monetarily gifted to give to the monetarily challenged.  
"Sounds about right."  
Great. I'm glad you approve. Anyway, Robin lived in Sherwood Forest, near to Nottingham. Things were generally OK in Nottingham, what with Robin borrowing money for everyone to pay their taxes with, until one day Prince Apophis and his loyal aide Tanith turned up.  
"Mwahahahahaha!"  
Eeeek! Scary.  
"I am your God! Pay me more taxes!"  
So Apophis sent the Sheriff of Nottingham out to gather the taxes from the monetarily challenged.  
"Sheriffess, thank you."  
Oh, sorry Anise. Sheriffess. How could I have failed to notice that?  
"Apology noted."  
Not accepted?  
"No."  
OK. Well anyway, obviously this didn't go down well with the monetarily challenged of Nottingham.  
"You bet it doesn't!"  
Calm down, there's no riots in this story. News of the increased taxes soon reached Robin and his band of Merry Men in Sherwood Forest.  
"Merry Men, we must act! Friar Daniel, Little Teal'c, come with me. I intend to 'borrow' some moneyfrom Prince Apophis. There's nothing like recycling a bit of cash."  
Nope, nothing. So off they went, Robin Hood and Little Teal'c taking the weight out of Prince Apophis' purse whilst Friar Daniel prayed a bit.  
"Please, don't let them get caught."  
Inventive.  
"Thanks."  
You're welcome. Anyway, Prince Apophis didn't take kindly to being, ahem, 'borrowed from'.  
"Infidels! You shall rot in Netu!"  
And that's putting it lightly.  
"My Lord?"  
"Yes lowly Tanith?"  
"Let's be sneaky and trap Robin."  
Good thinking. But how?  
"We'll put on an archery tournament with a kiss from Maid Sam as the prize. He won't be able to resist the challenge and besides, everyone knows that Robin has the hots for Maid Sam."  
"Hmm... Yes. What a brilliant plan! I'm glad I thought of it!"  
Now, now, Tanith, anger does not become you.  
"Grrr."  
Good enough. When Robin Hood heard of the tournament, he decided immediately that he would enter.  
"Um, Jack, I mean, Robin?"  
"Yes, Friar Daniel?"  
"Are you sure this is a good idea? You could get caught!"  
"It's worth it for a kiss from the fair Maid Sam! I think of her so often. My dear, sweet Sam."  
Ah, young love. So touching.  
"I concur with Friar Daniel. It is indeed a risky plan."  
"I know Little Teal'c, but it is something I have to do. I'll wear a disguise - it'll be fine."  
Famous last words.

_Author's Note 2: Did you like? Please, R&R if you want more!_


	2. The Archery Tournament

_Author's Note: Wow, I got a review! Thank you so much! Well that's enough for me to write some more, so here goes.._

Meanwhile, at the palace...   
"Oh, aide Janet!"   
"What is it, Maid Sam?"   
"I'm thinking again of my dashing Robin Hood."   
"Dashing? Why? Where's he going?"   
"Not that sort of dashing. I mean he is my childhood sweetheart, the man of my dreams, and I just can't stop thinking about him!"   
Well at least it's not unrequited. I just hate it when that happens.   
"Janet, do you think he'll be at the tournament?"   
"Sure he will. He's not exactly going to pass on a kiss from you, is he?"   
Janet has a point. So the day of the tournament came and they all went to the local park. Archers came from all over the kingdom to compete, including the Sheriffess of Nottingham herself.   
"I can't handle these bow-things. Can I use a zat-gun instead?"   
No you may not. It's not historically correct. Robin Hood was also at the tournament, in his disguise.   
"Jack, um, I mean, Robin?"   
"Yes, Friar Daniel?"   
"Do you really think that putting on a hat, a coat and a phoney accent is going to stop people recognising you?"   
"Of course! Prince Apophis isn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box."   
He has a point. Personally I think you'll find it's Robin's amazing skill with a bow and arrow that gives him away.   
"I can use a bow and arrow?"   
Of course. It's what you're famous for.   
"Sweet."   
So the tournament began and it soon became clear that Robin and the Sheriffess were far better than anyone else.   
"Yeah, sure, but only because the Sheriffess is cheating!"   
Now, now. You have no proof of that, and conjecture doesn't stand up in a court of law.   
"Sure we have proof. You can see her sneaky minions Martouf and Nareem sticking arrows in the targets for her!"   
Hmm, so they are. Sheriffess, that's not very sportsmanlike.   
"So? I'm not a sportsman. What do I care?"   
Just quit it with the cheating or I'll write you into a formless baggy sweater.   
"No! Anything but that!"   
Much better, thank you. So when Anise stopped cheating Robin became the clear winner.   
"Hooray!"   
Quite.   
"Un-named infidel who has stolen all my money! Come forth to claim your prize!"   
"Yeahsureyabetcha, like I'm falling for that."   
"I stand no such talk from no lowly Tau'ri! Jaffa, Kree! Kill him!"   
Uh oh.   
"Wait! Prince Apophis, no!"   
"What is it, puny yet beautiful Tau'ri?"   
"Please, spare him!"   
"No."   
"Aren't you even going to ask why?"   
"No."   
"Ah. Well in that case I'm afriad I'll have to kill you."   
Wow, that's a big gun! However did you hide that? Ahem, I mean, you're not supposed to kill him!   
"Don't worry, he'll be alive again by tomorrow."   
I suppose. So Maid Sam and Robin Hood ran off back to Sherwood Forest, leaving everyone else fussing over Prince Apophis.   
"Where's a good sarcophagus when you need one?"   
Hmm, I don't think I'll tell you.


	3. Sherrifess Anise Hatches a Plan

_Authors Note: I'm sorry it's been so long since I added to this story. My muse went away on sabbatical I think... Anyway, hopefully this will be good enough to make up for my absence!_

Having killed Prince Apophis for the evening, Maid Sam and Robin Hood ran off into the forest, back to the camp with the Merry Men.  
"Hey, it's Teal'c, and Daniel, and General Hammond!"  
I think you'll find that you're not supposed to be calling them that.  
"Why not?Those are their names, aren't they?"  
Not in this fairy tale.  
"Maid Sam, this is Little Teal'c, Friar Daniel and George Scarlet."  
"_Little_ Teal'c?"  
"We don't mention it."  
"Right."

So anyway, Robin's band of Merry Men decided that the killing of Prince Apophis was worthy of a celebration. So they partied all night, and Robin Hood professed his love for Maid Sam.  
"Sam, I love you! I'm so glad I've found you again after all these years."  
"Ja-, er, Robin, I love you too. And I'm also glad I've found you again. After however many, um, years."

Meanwhile, Prince Apophis had just been regenerated and heard the news about Robin Hood getting away and taking Maid Sam with him.  
"Arrrrggghhhhh!"  
Now, now, I think someone has got out of the wrong side of his sarcophagus this morning.  
"Grrrrr."  
Yes, well. Not much you can do about it, is there?  
"I shall summon the Sherrifess! She will conjure a plan to kill the infidels!"

Right. So Prince Apophis fully apraised Anise of the treachery of Robin Hood, and Anise conjured a plan.  
"I have a plan!"  
Funny, that.  
"I plan to trap Friar Daniel. When Robin Hood hears of this terrible occurance, he will not be able to resist running to the aid of his friend, and then we will catch him!"  
Um, how are you going to do that exactly?  
"I shall tempt him with the ability to read very quickly when aided by Tok'ra technology!"  
Ooh, canny.

And so it was, that very next day Friar Daniel recieved a letter inviting him to come to a conference at the palace where they would be trying out new Tok'ra technology to help people read very quickly.  
"Um, not be be a pain or anything, but if we're _in hiding _then how did the postman find us?"  
It's AsguardMail. They're not constrained by the same plot devices as the rest of us.  
"Oh, right."  
That all?  
"Oh, yeah, yeah, sure."  
Good. So, anyway, Daniel recieved a letter inviting him to come to a conference where they would be trying out technology to make people read very quickly.  
"Yay! I could read, really, really fast!"  
"Hey, Dannyboy, don't you think that's maybe a bit suspicious?"  
"Why?"  
"You know, developing a technology to help people read really fast when you're practically the only person in the kingdom who can read at all?"  
Robin has a point Friar Daniel.  
"Nah, it'll be fine! It's only a little smidgeon of Tok'ra tehcnology. What could go wrong?"  
Again with those famous last words...


	4. A Trap, a Rescue and an Ending

_Author's Note: I'm glad that someone is happy to see more of this story... If you want anymore Fairytale parodies please let me know and I'll do my best to oblige._

* * *

So the very next day, Friar Daniel turned up at the castle nice and early, ready with his books, to test the new Tok'ra reading technology.  
"Bring on the books!"  
Quite. Unfortunately, no-one else appeared to have turned up.  
"Coo-ee! Anybody home?"  
There doesn't appear to be.  
"I don't like the look of this..."  
And you're right not to, Friar Daniel. For it was right at that moment when the Sherrifess Anise jumped out from behind a cannily positioned pillar.  
"Aha! I have caught you!"  
"Bug-"  
Careful, it's a PG story.  
"-other. Bother."  
Bother indeed. 

It didn't take long for Robin Hood to hear of Friar Daniel's capture.  
"I told him, I said 'Dannyboy, don't you think that's suspicious?', but did he care? No, he didn't. Had to go wandering off to test the new quick-reading machine. Ever the inquisitive anthropologist, even when he's pretending to be priest."  
"Indeed."  
"Not now Little Teal'c, there's no time for your lengthy analysis. We have to go rescue Friar Daniel!"

So Robin Hood plotted and he schemed, and eventually he came up with a plan.  
"I have a plan!"  
"What is this plan of which you speak?"  
"Well, Little Teal'c, you and I and George Scarlet will rush up to the castle and wave our bows and arrows and demand that they give us Daniel back. And if they refuse, we'll zat 'em."  
"I am unsure as to the wiseness of your plan, O'Neill."  
"It's Hood, Teal'c. Robin Hood."  
Either way Robin, I think you'll find that he's right.  
"Darn."  
"I have a better idea."  
"What's that, Maid Sam?"  
"Why don't we wait until it's night, then we'll sneak stealthily into the castle. I'll use this clever little lock-picking device that I've just invented, and we'll get Daniel out of the jail and sneak away before anyone even realises he's gone."  
"Wow, that's... clever."  
"Exceedingly."  
"Well, that's why they pay me the big bucks."  
"They do?"  
"Figuratively speaking."  
If you're being paid more than me I'll be very upset.

Night fell, and Robin Hood, Maid Sam, Little Teal'c and George Scarlet crept up to the castle. Everything was going well, until-  
"Argh! It's Martouf and Nareem, Anise's evil henchmen!"  
"They're guarding the jail door."  
"They must have known we were coming."  
Well that's certainly a shocker.  
"What shall we do?"  
"Well I'm certainly not letting either of them anywhere near Maid Sam, that's for sure."  
"Your concern for my well being is touching, Robin."  
"I'm glad."  
Um, folks, I hate to interrupt a romantic gushing conversation, but shouldn't you be getting on with removing the henchmen so you can free Friar Daniel?  
"Right, of course."  
"I'll deal with the henchmen."  
"George? Are you sure?"  
"Absolutely. It's looking like the only chance I'm going to get to appear in the narrative, so I'm going to take it."  
"Well, ok. Good luck."  
"Thanks."

Go George Scarlet!  
"Yeehaw!"

So George Scarlet phoned in a favour from the President-  
"Of the United States?"  
Well which other one would I be talking about?  
"Um, good point."  
Thank you. So, as I was saying, he phoned in a favour from the President, and a large number of US Marines turned up and arrested Martouf and Nareem for being illegal aliens.  
"Nice. I like what you did there."  
Thanks. It's always good to be appreciated.

"Hello? Still stuck in a jail here. Help would be nice."  
Now, now, Daniel, it doesn't do to whine. Besides, now that the henchmen are out of the way, Robin and his Merry Men, um, and Maid Sam, have come to rescue you!  
"Yay."  
"Yo, Dannyboy!"  
"Hello Robin. Thanks for rescuing me."  
"Anytime."  
But wait! It's not over yet!  
"Aw, why not?"  
Because the Sherrifess of Nottingham is still out there, and now she's coming to get you!  
"Gulp."  
Indeed.  
"Robin Hood, I'm coming to get you!"  
"Double gulp."  
No need to worry Robin. Maid Sam will help you out.  
"Here, Robin, take this!"  
"What is it?"  
"A little experiment of my own. Give it to Anise."  
Oh my...  
"What is it?"  
"A mirror."  
"A mirror?"  
"A mirror."  
What is this, an opera or something? Move the narrative forward, for goodness sakes!  
"Why have I just given Anise a mirror?"  
"Because now she'll be so distracted by her own reflection that we can lock her in the jail instead!"  
"Wow, that's... clever."  
"Exceedingly."  
Haven't we been here before?

Anyway, the mirror did indeed distract Anise, long enough for Robin and his gang to shut her in the jail and fuse the lock shut so that no-one would be able to get her out again.  
"Yay!"  
"Yay!"  
"Yay!"  
"Impressive."  
"I am most pleased."  
"I'm not!"  
Yes well, no-one expected _you_ to be pleased about it Anise.

So, Robin and his Merry Men (and Sam) started to walk back to the forest, when suddenly they heard a noise.  
"sniffle"  
"Is that... someone crying?"  
"Best go check it out."  
So they did. When they got to the source of the sound, they were very surprised to learn that it was-  
"Prince Apophis?"  
"Why is _he_ crying?"  
"It's not fair! The Tau'ri _always_ win! I never win! Why doesn't anyone ever write me as the good guy? I'm just as nice as the next Goa'uld!"  
Maybe it's all the killing and death and oppression that they object to.  
"But... I could be nice! I could be friendly! I could wear pink!"  
"I think Prince Apophis has got a screw loose."  
"Three fries short of a happy meal if you ask me."  
"He does not appear to be acting as himself."  
"Indeed."  
I'm inclined to agree with you there... I'll take him away. Come on, Prince Apophis. I'll take you to a nice Gao'uld mothership where all the walls are padded, and they'll give youa nice jacket with really long sleeves that tie around the back...

So, with Prince Apophis out of the way in a pink straight jacket (he insisted) and Anise in a cell, peace and order was returned to Nottingham. The rightful king, King Jacob, returned from the crusades, and Robin Hood and Maid Sam were married by Friar Daniel in a really pretty service. Little Teal'c met Aide Janet and they set up a society for under-used story characters. George Scarlet moved to America and joined the US airforce.

...and of course, they all lived happily ever after...


End file.
